i'm still alive... barely.

no, i kid, i kid. seriously though, as though its a welcome wagon back to the world of newborns, mastitis paid me its third visit today. third kid, third round of antibiotics. breastfeeding and i just really have a love hate relationship.

my mom has been here all week and i'd be lying if i said i thought we would have made it through without her. okay, maybe we would have made it through but with much more fast food meals and no one would have a stitch of clean clothing on. as it stands we ate home cooked meals and i'm not sure there is a dirty linen to be found in this house (save the swaddle blanket miss annie just spit up on).

it is time for her to go home. back to my dad, to prepare for christmas, and eventually after the holidays back to work. its so hard for me when she leaves. every time i fall apart. why is that? surely by now i know that once she is gone i WILL be okay. life might not be quite so easy but it will indeed go on and eventually become our new norm. so why the tears? (to be honest, the crying has already begun and she's not leaving for 12 hours)

i can't explain it. i just mourn her leaving and having to regain my status as 'the mom' in the house. when she is here, she is the queen. she seems to get it all done without complaint, without losing her temper, and with such grace. so basically the opposite of how i operate :)

i remember the morning my mom left me home alone with lily. she was about 10 days old and i was terrified. mom walked out the door and i sat on the floor in my foyer and just cried holding this tiny baby thinking 'how can i be responsible for this child?? my mom is gone!' and i turned around and there was a note waiting for me. of course my mom who does it all, also thought to leave me a sweet note. i read it crying and got up and told lily i hope one day, even at nearly 30, she still thinks life is better with me around.

she's leaving tomorrow morning. i can do this.


Neely said...

Oh man, this made me cry. So sweet. Moms are amazing, even at this age. Hang in there, you are an awesome mom. So sorry about the mastitis!!! I got it once and thought I would die. I had no idea it took over your whole body. (((hugs)))
Annie is a doll, just like the other two!

Emily said...

You also made me cry! Moms are just the best! No matter what!
You are an amazing Mom and you are going to be just great after she leaves!

Anonymous said...

100% agree with you...mom's are AMAZING! As our ships are sinking, they seem to be the only ones who can plug up the hole.
As a mom of 3 little ones (all 15mo apart) I can empathize with you. Once you work out the logistics, it's smooth sailing...ok, not quite, but close. Enjoy this new season of life. It will pass before you know it!

klp said...

i cried and am still crying...you do have a sweet mama. and i do, too. we are some lucky gals. and your girls, well, they are pretty lucky gals, too. they have you AND their gaga in their lives to love them so very much.

stay strong, my friend. but it's also okay to cry. :) love you.

mandie lane said...

Tears over here, too. And hugs to you - just as you've done before, you're going to totally rock this. But it's SO hard when the mamas go. I remember that same moment when my mom left after Anderson was born. Foyer, tears, tiny baby, wondering if she was CRAZY because seriously, she thought I could do this ALONE? But I did, and you will, and as I said before - you'll rock it.

Take care. And hope the mastitis clears up soon!

Anonymous said...

thanks, mollie, for the sweet words. they mean a lot to me. i love you so, so much! mom

Jackie said...

Hope this morning wasn't so bad. I remember the tears both times my mom left. I dropped her off at the airport & had to pull over b/c I couldn't see through the tears. But, we survive & grow stronger through it all. Tons of loving vibes your way!

Anonymous said...

she likes like a terrific mom, just like you! as a mom of 2under2 without a mom, i'd be lying to myself if i said that reading this didn't make me sad, but it does tell me that the yearning in my heart is real, that we still need our mamas as adults.

Stephanie said...

I cried when my mom left after my baby was born - no one else can do what she can do. She just took care of everything.

I agree, moms are the best.

And you're a great mom, so you can do it!

Stephanie said...

I'm crying now! I hope you are doing ok. Remind yourself of all the fun you will have with the girls and hopefully that will ease the pain of your mom leaving.

Mastitis is a scary thing. I had it TWICE and I have only breastfed one child. I'm hoping that has me covered for the next child.