8.15.2012

how many times in the past few years have i felt put out or annoyed by our dog, eating the girls' food or digging a diaper out of the trash?  how many times have i shoo'ed him away from the dinner table with annoyance in my voice?  if i'm honest, it was more than i can remember.

but he was our casey bubba.  our sweet dog that i once waxed poetic about on the blog before three certain little girls took over our lives.  the boy that i once in confidence confessed to my sister that i was afraid i wouldn't be able to love a child as much as i loved him.  and i meant it.

i loved him so much that when pressed to find the perfect gift for me, my sister had a painting of him done.  and it has hung proudly in my home ever since.  i loved him so much that i slept on the laundry room floor next to him the night of his knee surgery knowing he couldn't make it up the stairs to our room.  i loved him so much that i would take him on walks to meet up with kevin as he finished bike rides just to see casey's tail wiggle with delight at the sight of his best friend.

he loved me so much he tolerated my three little girls that loved him and tormented him in turn.  he loved me so much that he pretended not to notice when they took more and more of my attention and he got less.  he loved me so much that he licked the salty tears off my face- more than once.  i wish he was here to lick my tears one last time.  i seem to have unending supply today.

the girls threw him a 'goodbye bubba' party at lunch.  complete with cheeseburgers, tres leches cake, and several renditions of 'for he's a jolly good fellow', it was a fitting tribute.  i'm not sure kevin and i were ready to say goodbye.  we went together to the vet.  we fed him treats.  we held him tight.

when the end came i wailed.  like a child i just couldn't control myself and i shouted.  i wanted to take back the past few years and see him as a young spry fellow again and enjoy him.  i found myself repeating 'i'm so sorry bubba.  i'm so sorry.  thank you'.  then when faced with the inevitability of them taking him away i buried my face in the soft folds of his neck fur and just breathed in.

i miss him.  i know it will get better with time and the sadness in my husband's eyes will soften.  but he will be missed.  that part will not change.

14 comments:

Heather said...

Aww, I'm so sorry. I'm in tears for you and your family :(

Candice said...

I am so sorry! I held my kitty (who was 21 and I was 28) a few years ago as he was put to sleep. It was very, very sad. But you are right, life does move on, and it does get better with time. These days, I remember him fondly and am so thankful I got to be his owner.

edmo said...

Love for a pet is universal and I think everyone (especially those with children who often ignore their pets or find more annoyance in them) is going to be a little nicer and cuddlier with their animal(s) after reading your post.

klp said...

tears again. i'm so sorry. RIP, sweet casey. we love you!

Aja said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you. What a tough situation.

Gloria H said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your buddy. :(

Whitney said...

Oh Mollie, I'm so sorry. Animals touch such a sweet place in our hearts and they truly show us the meaning of unconditional love. I agree with the comment above...we're all going to cuddle our pets a little more today.

KK said...

oh gosh, I'm so sorry. What sweet girls to throw him a goodbye party...precious. As sad as I am for you and your loss, I totally needed to hear this. I've gotten to that annoyed stage with our 2 dogs now that our 3 kids have taken first priority and I so often find myself snapping & yelling at the dogs. I need to change my tune because I know I will be in your exact place soon enough. Thank you for sharing this. Hang in there.

mrsmillertime said...

Oh, Mollie. I'm so terribly sorry for your family's loss. The day I lost my dog 9 years ago still resonates as the absolute worst day of my life. But time slowly heals a piece of my broken heart and I take solace in knowing that he's no longer hurting. And that I loved him every single day he was part of our family. I'm so sorry for your sweet Bubba and I hope that each day is better than the last.

jillian said...

So sorry for your loss. Losing a dog is so hard.

Melissa said...

I am so so sorry:( You just brought back that raw pain I still feel from my dog passing over 1.5 years ago. I am crying with you...truly. Tears are streaming down my face. Everything you wrote is so true and near and dear to my heart and how I felt for my own dog. Sending you huge hugs and prayers to find peace during this time. I can't tell you it gets much easier though:( They really do become a big part of our family and lives.

Jennifer grant said...

I am so sad reading this beautiful post. Casey was an awesome dog who was blessed with the best family a pet could ask for! I hope your heart finds some peace soon. Love you guys!!

W said...

so sorry for your loss. how special that your girls were able to love on him and will share the memory of him being a part of your family.

jenny hughes said...

mollie! i am just finally catching up on my google reader after months of being away and i read this blog in tears. i am so sorry for your loss. one day in the near future we'll have to say goodbye to my napa and i am petrified. your writing about the goodbye was beautifully heartbreaking. i know you miss him. all the good times come rushing back, and all the annoyances disappear into thin air. thinking of you.