well this triathlon training was bound to get me out on my bike before too long. poor thing has been hanging upside down in the garage since we moved here. so that is at least 4 years. i'm sure luna bar would love to know the bike they underwrote hasn't so much as seen the light of day in half a decade.

sweet kevin got my tubes ready, my chain lubed, and gave me back my helmet he's been borrowing so i knew it was time to hit the road.

i walked out this morning in cycling gear and lily said 'whose shoes are those?' i said, 'they're mine.' and she said, 'no really, whose are they?'

thanks for the vote of confidence, lil.

i won't lie, i've never been the biggest fan of clips (for you non-cyclists out there i'm talking about the fancy shoes that fit into your pedals). so i coasted down the street without clipping in while i mostly whimpered to myself about not wanting to do this and right about then my pandora busted out with a little katy perry 'shut up and put your money where your mouth is'. i chuckled to myself, clipped in and hit the highway.

in the process i realized several things. perhaps my crotch was made of an industrial strength steel before children because O.M.Geeee. that seat is not nice. not nice at all. also, what kind of badass did i take myself for having the 'girl' gears on my bike removed? yes, that's right, i had the easy gear taken off my bike supposing i'd never need it. i was wrong. i need it.

another perk of living and riding southwest is the roadside carnage. i passed three deceased deer, which is probably more than my father will see in all of deer season this year since he tends to favor naps in the blinds to killing things. i forgot how generally unpleasant that can be.

all in all, it was an exercise in familiarity and at least i have that first ride under my belt. there are many more to come and frankly i'm looking forward to feeling less like an idiot and more like an athlete again!

lily: mommy, did you wear a crown at your wedding?
me: no. i'm not really a crown person.
lily: i am. i'm a crown person.

lily,

four years ago at this very moment i was checking in to the hospital to have my first baby. i was a nervous nellie about so many things, terrified of the c-section i was heading for, worried about how i'd be as a mom, and really really anxious to just meet you already!

it was a rainy day and i had spent the last month or so swimming as much as possible to pass the hot july at 9 months pregnant. i waited all day long on pins and needles for my 5:30 surgery and just a few minutes past 5:30 i met you. i heard your cry and saw your face and i have never been the same.

you made me a mom. you are FOUR today. that means we have had roughly 1,400 days together. 1,400 good mornings, 1,400 good nights, and millions of kisses.

you are curious, LOUD, girly and determined. you have a little bit of attitude, but i secretly like that. your favorite color is pink. (dark pink to be specific) you are so interested in life and ask the best questions. you love love dressing like a princess and picking flowers. you ask me every day when spring is coming so that you can pick them on a daily basis again.

you love having long hair but hate having it brushed. your obsession with shoes (that you likely inherited from your dad or perhaps GaGa if it skips a generation) cracks me up. you often ask me to wear dresses or fancy shoes and i have to explain to you that mom just isn't that fancy :)

you love sharing your room with eve and get the biggest kick out of making your sisters laugh. you are truly becoming a little girl and are no longer my baby or toddler. i am so looking forward to this next year with you as we make our way towards FIVE.

happy birthday sweetness,
mom

so i'm sure you've seen that book making its way around the interwebs... go the F*#% to sleep. right?

well that book pretty much is our day from 7-8:30pm. every. night. 'oh i need socks!' 'i need water!' 'i can't find blankie' and on...and on...

so i instituted a reward chart for lily and she earned a star every night she was quiet and non demanding after bedtime. she didn't have to go right to sleep, but couldn't wake eve up or ask for a million things.

her reward for earning five stars? 'fancy dinner' out with daddy! something she has actually been asking for since she saw him return home from a business trip wearing a suit.

she earned her fifth star this week so tonight was fancy dinner night!! she requested pancakes (her fav) and cake for dessert, so kevin took her to kerbey lane and they had a blast. he said she kept bouncing in her seat saying 'oh my gosh daddy! oh my gosh!! this is the BEST!'

here is a pic of them when heading out the door. she took one look at him and decided he needed a bowtie to be fancier :)

and man do they look alike or WHAT?!

lily had the most fabulous birthday party. we started celebrating probably around wednesday and her actual birthday isn't until this week, but you know four year olds. their birthday party IS their birthday. anything else is pretty confusing!

we had a very small luau in her honor yesterday complete with a poor man's homemade 'water slide' (and yes, i used water slide in quotes... trust me.) she had a blast and it was a perfectly sized get together and not overwhelming chaos. i'm a big fan of smaller parties!

after the party we all napped and went to the pool so lily and eve could show off their swimming skills to gaga & moon. i took lily on a little swim around the deep end of the pool telling her the story of the day she was born. she LOVED every minutes of it.

her cousins came over for a dinner of her favorite meal- pancakes! truly it was just a great celebration of our wonderful four year-old!

pictures (a LOT of them- you've been warned) are HERE

"Let’s go with Jesus. Not the gay-hating, war-making political tool of the Right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed to the rich and powerful."

-john cusack, when asked who his hero was


i always knew i liked that guy. you keep holding that boombox over your head, john.

i just got my first zit in almost 5 years. i guess this means my hormones are back to 'normal' (that is, if there is a normal anymore).

could someone send a message to my ovaries and let them know no matter how hard they try, their job is done? there is no extra credit at this point. really, you can take an early retirement as far as i'm concerned.

so now instead of looking like a soccer mom with a three-kid-pooch, i look like that mixed with a 14 year old in puberty. good times, hormones. good times.

open letter to the swimmer in lane 5:

thanks for having a good attitude about me asking you to share your lane. i hate that moment when i walk up to the pool and every lane is taken by a single swimmer knowing everyone is pretending to not see me. while others avoided eye contact and did flip turns, you let me jump right in your lane.

now i won't pretend i didn't see you eye my lack of swim cap and my old navy halter style suit. i'm not sure why you prefer round-robin sharing instead of just splitting the lane. i took one look at your speedo two piece and practical cap and figured it wouldn't be long before i embarrassed myself. i know all too well the polite 'tap' on the foot of someone wanting to swim circles around you. i swam masters, i get it.

i'm training for my first triathlon in five years. there was a time in my life when i couldn't have imagined five months without a race and five years seemed an impossibility. but here i am five years and three kids later and i'm getting back in the lane.

i guess its a sign that you're a competitive person when you find yourself not stopping to de-fog your goggles or pin back your bangs just to keep up with a complete stranger in your lane. what i didn't expect was that it would be me waiting behind you and not vice versa.

just when i started to pat myself on the back for hanging with you for over 1000 meters, you hopped out, donned your oakleys and i got a glimpse of your ridiculous 6 pack and man-arms. which most likely means this was your cool down after some hard core 5 hour workout. oh well, at least my workout can keep up with your cool down.

and lastly, thank you. if you hadn't been in that lane i probably would have swam half as much, half as fast.

sincerely,
mollie

when annie is frustrated she squishes up her nose and sniffs loudly. i find it particularly endearing since my other children's response to frustration at nearly 7 months sounded more like screaming.

she usually does it when i've left her too long in her high chair without food, but recently started doing it reciprocally.

my eve found her inner fish this weekend. last year she was a daredevil at the pool. no fear. in fact i wished she had a little more healthy fear of water.

the start of this summer was rocky. she preferred to sit on the side of the pool with just her feet in the water. if you tried to even hold her in the water she'd shake like a leaf. i don't know where the fear came from but it seemed like it might overshadow the whole summer.

then we went to dallas.

she took one look at her cousins' pool and dove in headfirst- literally. i was a bit worried that coming home she would revert back to her scardey cat ways, but she probably went down the slide today 15 times in a row!

for a few fun pictures go HERE to see the cousins in action. it was a great visit!

No one else will ever know the strength of my LOVE for you.
After all, you're the only one that knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.

i stumbled across that quote on pinterest (what an addiction by the way, all beautiful things i will never have the time or money to create in my life, but i can appreciate them nonetheless)

i have to say the last few weeks were tough ones. some of my hardest as a mom and some of the most humbling. i have just begun to really dig and i am determined to do better. you know when you're watching super nanny and the kids are so horrendously behaved and all you can think is 'that is totally the parents' fault!'? i'm feeling lately like some of this hardship is more about me than it is about the kiddos.

i just bought the book 'how we love our kids' and in the first chapter read "Kids have a natural knack for revealing the things we like least about ourselves. Even shortcomings we’re completely unaware of, things we deny, things we’ve successfully hidden for years. All of them suddenly begin to parade around your neat little life when you have children."

welcome to motherhood - aka you still have a lot of work to do on yourself and those gaps you are still trying to fill affect your children more than you want to admit.

even just since buying the book yesterday and deciding to be more present things have been better. goodness knows there are just some days when you don't have the energy or patience to sit down with a child who is crying because you made their lunch 'hot dog art' in the shape of a butterfly when they wanted a flower, but thankfully there are days like today when i DO have the energy for it. let's just hope these are the days they remember :)

So so so much

sweetness.

i feel obligated to follow up the previous doomsday post with a more encouraging 'the day got better' post. thankfully all 3 girls napped and woke up with a much sunnier outlook on the day. amen hallelujah.

i climbed into lily's bed as she was stirring from her nap and she half-smiled and said 'i love you mommy' with her eyes still closed. i knew at that moment the day was looking up.

you know, i started the day laughing about the whining and here i am mid-day and i just want to raise my white flag in surrender.

i don't know if i just ignore it better some days than others or if they really whine that much more on bad days, but i'm one step away from thrusting a kabob skewer in my ear so that i don't have to hear it anymore.

i'm not my usual cheery self today. i feel defeated and at the same time like i have failed my children. they deserve a mom who doesn't lose her patience with them and who finds joy in spending time with them. i am just not finding joy in being a mom today.

it breaks my heart to think that i am the best mom they are going to have. they just deserve better. maybe a better mom wouldn't have to hear such unhappiness all day long because she is making her children happy. i don't know. what i do know is that i'm tired of crying at naptime because i am exhausted and dreading the moment when they wake up.

nails on a chalkboard? nah, lily has that beat.

whining is the worst sound in the world.

a real conversation in my kitchen last night.

m: i mean its just now june
k: well we're halfway through june, its almost july
m: its not ALMOST july! its just now june!
k: mollie, tomorrow is the 20th.
m: no its not (checking calendar).... wow.

seriously i feel like this just about sums up the summer so far. how is it almost july?!

i have dubbed this year 'the summer we stayed home'. we do have plans for a quick trip to dallas and a week(end) at the beach in august but other than that we are at home most days all day long. it is just too hard to get anywhere with a tiny baby along for the ride. especially when that baby is going to demand a nap in her cozy crib within about an hour of waking :)

Upright annie

i can't believe susanna is already 6 months old. i'm fearing the day her baby bird fuzz hair actually lays down. i love her hair halo.

it's been another wild one around here. i'll catch you up with some of the notable happenings this week:

- eve got a fever, but managed to smile and charm her way through it. no shock there.
- lily got a fever, but managed to moan and groan her way through it. no shock there.
- annie slept through the night three days in a row. fingers crossed for her new habit.
- lily started quoting movies including using an affectation to her voice. perhaps she is my child after all.
- i quoted a movie to a friend on facebook essentially saying her daughter had a gigantic head and then hoped she would recognize the movie and not think i was a jerk. (i vacillated between feeling crappy she might not get it and thinking surely any sarcastic friend of mine was familiar with the complete works of mike myers. she got the joke. whew.)
- eve got a twin mattress and her instinctual reaction was to climb on board, snuggle under her duvet and call out 'oooh! cozycozycozycozy!'
- lily was allowed to go to the bathroom at the grocery store alone while i waited outside the main door with the cart and two children. we were greeted less than a minute later by a poor screaming child who had just been scared to death by autoflush.

well that about sums it up. other than trips to the gym and park, not much else is going on around here. kevin is at the lakehouse for a boys weekend and i'm just homebound with my sickos. this lady is going to need a trip to barton springs on sunday when he gets home. ahhhh an afternoon at barton springs. now that's almost worth being alone with 3 kids all weekend :)

reset. refresh. reformat. i do it all the time but i want to do it to my life, not my electronics. i told kevin today it would take me a week. i want to get rid of half our clothes, half our toys, clean every inch of this house, tackle my 'around the house' to-do list. i want to make space- room for us to grow, connect, give.

he offered to take the girls to dallas for a week. of course my knee jerk reaction was 'no way'. you're too busy, too long for the girls to be away, excuses excuses.

what if. what if he did take the girls for a week for me to just RESET our life. what would i do?? what would you do? what would be on your list? i'm probably dreaming here, but visions of a stripped bare house, organized weeks of grocery lists, and freshly scrubbed base boards are dancing in my head...

love is.... trying to avoid eye contact with your spouse in the middle of the night because you're both shaking from holding in your laughter about how bad your child's farts smell.

i swear i can't make this stuff up. the stomach bug has burrowed its way back into our family circle again. darn bug!! it was my turn to pass it around this time and so far just lily has fallen victim after me. let's hope everyone else is spared.

seriously though, lily had some major swamp gas action happening last night and kevin and i were literally shaking trying not to laugh about it knowing if either of us lost it, we'd not only wake up the other children but likely hurt lily's feelings in a tender moment. poor sweet lily just did not feel good and it was all i could do to keep the chuckles inside once i saw kevin avert his eyes and bite his lip when the stench reached him.

i'm so glad i married a guy that i can laugh with about our child's flatulence at 1am (after she is back safely tucked into bed)

love.

i love that kevin loves playing guitar for his girls (no matter how many times lily asks him to stop). i love that it calms annie more than anything other than nursing. i love watching my husband and his daughters.

summer is off to a good start :)

it is too bad she doesn't have any fun around here...

i thought we had until 2012, but apparently the rapture is saturday? at least those mayans gave me an extra 7 months. saturday seems awfully soon. i'm not ready but really would i be any more ready 7 months from now? i'll probably be busy planning a first birthday party and be distracted by christmas.

i think it is safe to say that if i'm afraid of anything, its death. not the dying part, the judgement part. so really a rapture doesn't solve much for me since it isn't the dying so much as the answering for myself that i'd like to skip.

there is a super cheesy song whose lyrics describe that moment as 'Will I dance for you Jesus, Or in awe of you be still? Will I stand in your presence, Or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Halelluja, Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine'. i will just say that i can't imagine that moment, clearly. but when i try to i pretty much see myself as a blubbering crazy person who is apologizing profusely for largely being an asshole.

the other day i was reading a NY Times article about an artist living in west texas and i showed kevin the pictures of the house he has built and the gadgets he has invented to do things like wash laundry by riding on a bicycle- kevin asked 'so you want to go live off the grid now?' i laughed, but thinking about it later i thought definitively 'no way'. the last thing i want or need is to be even MORE focused on myself and secluded from others. being a mom of 3 under 4 is isolating enough.

it is my community that is keeping me afloat, headed in the right direction for that final day. not the ending, but the beginning. my sister keeps me sane. my friends keep me laughing. my church small group keeps me connected. my husband keeps me from running away. (haha, kidding... sort of). my husband keeps me feeling loved.

my kids.... my kids. my kids keep me close to God by creating situations where i need to apologize and ask for forgiveness. often. God bless 'em.

here's hoping these crazy people are wrong about tomorrow (and i am quite sure they are) but if they are right, i hope to see you there- hold my hand if you can. if they are wrong, maybe i can be in a place in 7 months of less fear. and while we are planning a better december, here's to a small first birthday party and a christmas full of spirit, not of credit card bills.

busy. busy busy busy. life as a gerbil on a wheel is about to get a bit more furiously fast since thursday is our last with the two big 'uns in school until next september *tears*

i'm not sure what we are going to do all summer but swim lessons are next week and hopefully we will be able to get in some quality pool time, cool off in the museums, and take a few fun trips. any suggestions or ideas to make the summer fly by are welcomed :)

Annie is happy

i'm gonna miss this face and i'll only be gone for 24 hours.

i'm afraid i just don't get it. when people jokingly warn you about the day your child realizes you are completely un-cool and asks you to drop them off around the corner and thinks your opinion is bunk. i just don't get it because i never went through that phase.

i held my mom's hand in public... in high school. i waited on the steps of school scanning every car with anticipation excited to see her when she picked me up. to this day not much time passes between me putting my head in her lap.

so i will choose to live in denial that my children could ever feel differently of me and be thankful for my mom who showed me that its possible to be both a mother and later a close friend without compromise.

i love you mom! happy mother's day.

Eve's abc

a) i have no idea when/how she learned this. i take no credit.
b) a glimpse into the ADD of a 2 year old...

dear genevieve,

you are two. the last twenty four months of my life have been spent reveling in you. you are generous with your love, live life to the fullest, and are my wonderful girl.

you are pure sweetness to the core, but laced with a devilish obstinance that is sure to surface more and more in the coming year. when you climb into my lap to cuddle my heart leaps. i can't get enough of your affection. you hold my face in your hands before you kiss me and it makes me melt a little each time.

you are smart as a whip and adore your sisters. the way you live life with gusto is enviable and reminds me to throw caution to the wind a bit more often. you go with the flow- a trait that is more appreciated by this crazed mom than you may ever know. this year you went from being the one that shook things up at our house to my stable rock i could count on amidst the chaos.

you are a messy messy eater and laugh as you put a single raspberry on each finger before yelling out 'razz hands!'. you repeat everything I say- even when I say 'echo!' which tends to make others laugh.

your favorite things are your mimi (bunny blanket), juice & oatmeal, cakes of any sort, and being loved. i am one lucky mama to have you in my life.

happy birthday sweetness.

our first child was a terrible sleeper. had a suck sleep association which eventually led to wakings every 45min-1.5hours ALL NIGHT. ferber rocked our world in about 2 nights and since then she has slept ah-may-zing. she's nearly 4 and still sleeps great, takes naps, loves her bed.

my 2nd child was (and still is) an easy going dream. no sleep training necessary. i attributed this to my improved parenting skills ;)

then came annie. she's not a terrible sleeper. she was doing awesome there for a while- waking just once a night to nurse while sleeping 7:30pm-6am. then it all went to pot. for the past month she has been getting up about 4x a night. this doesn't work for several reasons which include the fact that i cannot be a zombie and work or take care of my children.

after a particularly hard week with very little sleep, we decided to reacquaint ourselves with dr. ferber and give it a shot. ONE night with ONE measly crying session that lasted less than 30 minutes (so really less than she has cried in the car at one time) was all it took. she woke up and cried out a few other times before going back to sleep. the 2nd night, she only nursed once. the third night, she only nursed once.

in fact, tonight i woke up at 3:30 to the sounds of her coo'ing in her bed. so we've gone from screaming bloody murder 4x a night to waking once while rolling around pleasantly. i'll consider that a success thankyouverymuch.

the other improvement is naps. i have had to rock this child into a sleepy oblivion for 4 naps a day and now i am laying her down totally awake but calm and she's napping. i can't tell you how much this changes the game. trying to quietly rock a baby for 30 or more minutes at a time, four or more times a day when you have a toddler and a preschooler roaming your house can be a hard pill to swallow. i fully admit these are the complications of having so many kids, so young in age but its nice to know i won't have to emerge from a dark room to find my children putting on makeup in my bathroom anymore.

all this to say, ferber gets an awfully bad rap sometimes but frankly i'd give the guy a big kiss if i could. and now, i think i'll go get some more sleep :)

happy day

happy anniversary

six years & three kids later i can't wait to go on a date with my husband tonight. i am married to such a wonderful friend, faithful partner, and someone i genuinely admire and adore. i love you, kevin!

you can continue this trip down memory lane with more pics on the photo blog :)

so i was feeling a little resentful this week when i realized my church (that i LOVE) is not having any kind of church service sunday morning for easter. instead they are opting for an afternoon celebration, communion, and cookout with the homeless downtown. i haven't ever been part of a church that was so completely invested in others and while i appreciate that more than i can express, i was a little bummed. my initial reaction was 'really? does everything have to be different??'

there are so many lovely memories of childhood that surround easter for me. i will always remember standing next to my mom wearing a gardenia corsage that my dad gave us every single year watching her cry as she sings 'christ the lord is risen today'. every year there was an easter egg hunt with hot pursuit of the 'dollar egg' by all three of us kids. i think we dyed eggs until i was 21 or so. (and i'm the youngest child!)

i was looking longingly at the smocked dresses in the girls' closet then i read a blog entry about the intention behind the big downtown celebration of passover instead of a traditional service. my favorite quote was "So between ages 0-32, I celebrated Easter the fun way: with bunnies, baskets, and expensive clothes. I mean, what better way to say “Jesus reigns” than dressing my preschooler in a $45 dress to show her off in the church lobby? (You’re welcome, Jesus. Be blessed.)"

it was enough to make me laugh and shake off my hang ups and decide that i guess i can get on board with this new way to celebrate that jesus proclaimed our freedom and showed us the full extent of his love. (you can read the whole blog entry HERE if you're interested)

now before you go calling me hippy dippy, be sure you hear that i know it is all about your intentions. neither celebration is right or wrong, and both are pointless when the message gets lost in the pomp and circumstance.

Christ the Lord is risen today, Alleluia!
Sons of men and angels say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heavens, and earth reply, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where's thy victory, boasting grave? Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!
Made like him, like him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Annie loves sit ups

best personal trainer ever. i'll do just about as many situps as i can stand when she smiles like this every time.

ever seen the way a baby smiles so big it looks like their smile is bigger than their whole face? yeah, that's the stuff.

oh tina fey, how i love you. your wit, your intelligence, your ability to make me hold my sides from laughter. she has outdone herself again. in her new book 'bossypants' she includes a prayer for her daughter that had me giggling pretty hard.

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

i have a two year old. again.

it is hard to believe that my genevieve joined us just 24 months ago, but she is officially 2. i kinda make a big deal about birthdays. ok actually, i kinda make a HUGE deal out of birthdays. i was looking forward all night to coming into eve's room in the morning to be the first to wish her a happy birthday. lily beat me to it.

i was enjoying my cup of coffee this morning with my mom when i heard it come across the monitor... lily's little voice singing her sister the birthday song. it was one of those 'grab your heart' moments when you feel the breath squeeze out of you because you can't believe you are lucky enough to have such sweet girls.

just yesterday when we were anticipating GaGa's arrival i had the girls outside and they were running with their arms askew calling out 'suuuuuuper sisters!' they never cease to amaze me. and of course these are the moments i choose to reflect on when other parts of the day include eve being dragged by her arm down the sidewalk by her grumpy big sis.

all in all eve had a fabulous day. her birthday party was small and perfection. she adored the petting zoo and the cupcakes, she was surrounded by friends & family, and had a giant smile on her face all morning. to me, that is a big success.

Eve the fibber

talk about the sins of our fathers... eve is a scary good liar just like her mama was! i'm in for it.

Annie rolling

annie is a rolling fool! she has been flipping over back to front all day and of course the one time i whip out the camera to video tape it she ends up in some weird see-saw but i love it nonetheless. she's been going front to back for a while, but the back to front action is all new!

we never ever do nothin nice and easy. we always do it nice and rough.

my girl- rollin' on the river ;)


it has taken me at least a month to get a series of her rolling, but here it is. my favorite is the third one- face meets carpet. there are more insanely adorable (if i do say so myself) pictures of her on the photo blog.

go check out my sweet annie on the photo blog. LOVE her

three year olds. can't live with 'em, can't give em away.

we were late to the 'terrible threes' game. heck, i don't think we even really hit the 'terrible twos' to be perfectly honest. really in the scheme of things lily is still an easy kid, but her new found desire to test every. single. boundary. is wearing on me.

what i have realized over and over again as a parent is that the challenges we have with our children are reflections of ourselves. our selfishness. our obstinance. our greed. really, just our brokenness.

i asked lily this morning to have compassion for her sister. after about half a second of calm she started demanding attention and more from me again (to put it in perspective she was crying about my iphone's crummy netflix connection while her sister was sweaty, half asleep, covered in urine, had just been catheterized twice, pricked for a blood test, and given an antibiotic shot). i nearly lost it. i won't lie. i was a degree away from my boiling point and then i saw it. me. in her.

how many times should my heart be breaking for someone and instead i am concerned only with myself? what unjust stories or situations do i encounter only to moments later make life all about ME again rather than justice. if i am disappointed and my patience is running thin, i should really be sad for myself and thankful for redemption.

aaaaand eve has a kidney infection. when it rains it pours! glad she has been diagnosed and got an antibiotic shot to speed her on her way to recovery.

the pukes. we had 'em. it was NOT pretty. first came kevin, a day passed and i naively thought we were in the clear. then it got us. oh how the mighty have fallen.

nothing makes you NOT miss college days more than a night spent on a bathroom floor in a haze of heaving repeating to yourself 'this cannot last forever. it has to end at some point'. am i right?

so i start today on little sleep, home with three little ones who each have different needs, walking in circles with the baby in her room willing her to sleep for her first nap while praying something to the affect of 'really, God? surely we had bigger plans for my life?'

i need an attitude adjustment and that typically comes in a warm cup of coffee, however my trip to the pantry this morning yielded nothing of the sort. lily saw my dismay and patted my hand and said 'its okay mommy, you can have water for breakfast'. oh sweet lily, thanks for trying to make me feel better.

i realize this has turned into mostly a pity party. i just feel lately like my priorities and perspective are just off. and i don't know what will change that. for now i will have to be thankful for my family, our cozy shelter on a rainy day, and somehow figure out how to get my three to the grocery store for caffeine.

it is about that time of year...

more pics on the photo blog

you know you got good incriminating video of your husband when he realizes you're filming and yells 'aw man you're going to post this!' then launches into a string of profanity in an attempt to make your video unusable.

people, let it be known that my husband is very very particular about his jeans. i tried to edit the video of evidence but you can't really hear him anyway. darnit.

i broke a promise yesterday. when we found out #3 was on the way i swore to kevin that i wouldn't get emotional when she outgrew her newborn clothes and be all swoony about tiny onesies. i lied.

the sad part is, i am just now getting through the boxes of clothes that were returned to us after being on loan to my sister's twins and there is so much stuff and so little time that i finally found the box of my favorite newborn clothes that my girls wore and its too late. they are too small already to fit my growing susanna.

in a futile fashion i scooped them up and breathed in, but they only smelled like cardboard box. their moments to cuddle newborn skin and get swaddled up have passed. i pulled out the very first piece of newborn clothing i ever bought. in fact it was a gown i bought and gave to kevin to tell him we were pregnant with lily. i found the white footed pajamas made of the softest cotton i've ever felt that lily wore the day we came home from the hospital (once we changed her out of some ridiculous dress). i found the gown covered in moons and stars that eve, my 'little star', wore home from the hospital.

it really isn't about the clothes and contrary to most men's fears, it really isn't even about wanting another child. it is a realization that i have held my last newborn. when i see a pregnant woman with her big round belly, i'll smile in a memory instead of in hopefulness or anticipation. it is a letting go of a whole phase of life that in a lot of ways we are more than happy to see end- but also brought us some of the happiest days of our life.

before you know it i'm going to be the woman in the checkout line at the grocery store asking how old your baby is and saying 'well my baby graduates from high school this year'. of course you have to take this with a grain of salt knowing it is from the girl who cried her eyes out about school ending every year. i've never handled change or 'endings' well.

someone asked me not too long ago, if money were no object how many children would you want to have? my response- as many as i could fit into my house that wanted to be there! i'm not entirely convinced we're done becoming parents but i am quite sure we are done making babies. so with open arms and a happy heart full of the most wonderful memories i will keep packing up the tiniest clothes that my girls surely never were small enough to wear. and i will wait to see what God has for us next.

sharing a room means i get to wake up to giggles every morning

the sisterhood of the messy pants (lily) and her mad scientist sister (eve) is progressing along at a beautiful pace.

this week the girls and i made our first trip to dallas to see friends and take advantage of my mom's spring break for some good visiting time. lily and eve shared a room for the first time and actually did way better than i had anticipated. yes, there were moments such as when i found lily poking eve's face saying 'wake uppppp' but those were trumped by listening to eve call out song requests and lily obliging with her out-of-tune toddler voice. all in all it was a big success.

eve hasn't been a big fan of bedtime lately and returning home tonight was no exception. after 5 minutes of her pathetic little 'row row boat?' pleading and whimpers if i made any sort of move towards the door, i asked if she wanted to sleep in lily's room. 'uh HUH uh HUH!!' was her response as she blew past me out the door and across the hall. i brought her mattress and laid it on the floor along with some ground rules for a very excited lily. after i shut the door my heart nearly burst when i heart 'goodnight eve!'.....'ni ni, lil'

i'm sure it will not be without its struggles but to know eve takes so much comfort in her sister's presence and that lily is pleased as punch to share her space makes me happy.

a few pictures from today. the swing set is starting to take shape in the backyard and kevin let them sit on what will soon be a tree house of sorts. just look at those (pudding covered) faces.

speaking of pudding face

our spectator

and the mad scientist

beware the ides of march. the best advice caesar ever got and ignored. the ides of march have majorly messed with me in the past as well, so maybe i'm best off staying home today :)

once they introduced me to a 5 year on-again off-again boyfriend whose presence in life i would have been better off without by all counts. last year i got knocked up.

fingers crossed for no life-changers today.