security is a tricky thing.  the false sense of it is normally all we really need- even when we know it is false somehow it can be enough.

i have always been a scaredy cat.  haunted houses and the like are my kryptonite.  i am 34 and sometimes still want to sleep with a light on.  but to my kiddos, i'm 'mom' and i am their sense of security (false or otherwise).  they don't know most of the time the noise that spooked them had me sweating too.

kevin has been out of town this week and i find myself in our new(ish) house alone for the first time.  it isn't a small place and its pretty dark out here in the sticks where there are few street lamps.  our fierce looking dog is beyond deaf and offers little in the way of protection these days.

i've been dealing with the girls' fears this week on my own.  afraid of the dark.  afraid to go upstairs alone.  bad dreams.  and it has had me questioning and thinking a lot about fear and security.  i heard a speaker just this past week talking about the problem of having too many comforts means we don't really have to rely on anything outside of ourselves for security.

i just did my final rounds of peeking in on the girls before i retire for the night.  i went and pulled lily's covers around her and gave her a kiss.  it roused her enough that she fluttered her eyes open and said 'goodnight mama'.  i said 'i love you' and she replied in a dreamy sleep voice with something i have never heard her say...

'i know you're always with me.'

i hope so, lily.  always.


amy said...

I too am a scaredy cat but children make you toughen up for sure! Have you read the book "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed? It's a book about overcoming your fear. Oprah liked it so it must be good ;)

Anonymous said...

Reading at work and started crying! sweet Lily!