7.03.2009

i wish my heart didn't ache when things change. i'm not good at 'rolling with the punches'. its just not my strong suit. i was just watching a video on youtube of lily laughing with me and saw that one of the videos i had uploaded was 5 months old. its a video of sweet lily at a picnic with me and erin ivey pointing to a cracker calling it a 'ckk ckk'.

how was that five months ago? how in five months has she gone from 'ckk ckk' to 'mommy, yellow crackers, please!'

my heart just aches. i wish i could stop time and soak in the life and breath of my children in this moment and be able to come back to them at this precise moment in time and enjoy them for who they are today.

i wish i didn't worry about things like keeping my house clean or emptying the dishwasher. i wish i could just revel in them endlessly.

i went for a run this morning and came back sweaty and tired and told kevin 'i feel like a person when i'm working out.' he replied with 'well you ARE a person.' and i said, 'no, i'm a MOM, working out makes me feel like a person!' i'm not sure he got it or that i explained it well at all, but in my quests to feel like a person, i hope being a mom is so intertwined with who i am that it never leaves me. not even for a second.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

i completely understand that you feel like "mollie", not "mommy" when you are running. 2 distinct people in one. i am a daughter,sister, mom, gaga --all the same, yet different
love you, happy 4th, mom

Deb said...

I think each of our roles defines us as a total person. I think our role of mother has altered who we are since we tend to be more protective, more caring, more understanding, more patient. Those are all qualities that we gain as a mother that are now who we are.

As for kids growing up--I love seeing my children through their grandparents eyes sometimes. It has been two months since they last saw our girls and pointing out how different they are make me realize how fast they are growing up and how I love little videos of them talking and their little phrases.

Neely said...

I could have written this...well, not as well as you did, but I feel the same way! :) I can't wait to start exercising again. And I wish I could bottle up these ages with the kids and take them out when I wanted. Instead, I lose a little of it everyday.

Erin Ivey said...

wow - was that 5 months ago already?

Candice said...

i totally understand how you are feeling, on all accounts.

Nicolle said...

This reminds me to savor the times when Sophia is ripping everything to shreds and my house looks like we were robbed. All for the "Hiiiiii!" from the distinct little voice of a 1 year old. I do need reminders to stop and smell the roses or before I know it she will be running out the door to bigger and better things. Thanks for keeping me grounded!

D.Bagyi said...

It was this school of thought that almost put me on bedrest after stupidly braving a 3 mile run at 36 weeks. So, I can truly relate!