prepare yourself for rambling. i am just sitting here and a few scattered thoughts from the past few days are hitting me all at once and their interconnectedness seems to be obvious to ME in this moment but i'm not sure i'll be able to effectively communicate my thoughts.
even as a kid i remember having the distinct feeling that no one really understood me. whether it was my inability to articulate in a way that could draw a commonality or maybe a desire to keep a certain amount of comfortable distance between me and others, i'm not sure. it wasn't really until college that i felt i met a few people who 'got' me. in late high school i was lucky enough to meet a few people who, whether they 'got' me or not, accepted me 100% for who i was.
so all that to say, i'm not sure i'm very good at communicating thoughts like these...
the other day i had my sweet friend erin over for dinner and she commented that in reading my photography blog she was struck by how positive i always sound. she said, no matter the session i seemed to have something upbeat, fun, positive to say. we laughed that by reading it you definitely wouldn't know what a pessimist i can be in real life.
fast forward to this morning at church as we make our way through the book of james, we were discussing what he has to say about preferential treatment. i made it through the service, thoughtful as always, but not necessarily getting anything personal out of it other than my complete bias towards people who 'look' like me, who seem familiar to me, who i see and immediately think 'maybe they will 'get' me. and my complete disregard for the fact that my behavior is contrary to jesus' whole message of grace and inclusion.
that sounds like enough of a lesson to get out of the sermon, right?
i thought so. until i sat here just now thinking about my life and my work. and erin's comment.
it's not that i am not being myself when i post my photography, but its definitely a cheerier version of myself. i have to work at being preferred. its what i do. i work at having my photography, my vision, my colors, and my personality preferred over others so that clients will hire ME. not that there is anything inherently 'wrong' with that, but gosh its exhausting.
way back in april, i set aside the month of august as family time. rest time. anything but WORK time. now i am looking forward to it even more than ever. just time to process the past two years of work, of babies, of family, of changes and be able to make intentional choices about the next few months & years.
i warned you about the rambling...