i broke a promise yesterday. when we found out #3 was on the way i swore to kevin that i wouldn't get emotional when she outgrew her newborn clothes and be all swoony about tiny onesies. i lied.
the sad part is, i am just now getting through the boxes of clothes that were returned to us after being on loan to my sister's twins and there is so much stuff and so little time that i finally found the box of my favorite newborn clothes that my girls wore and its too late. they are too small already to fit my growing susanna.
in a futile fashion i scooped them up and breathed in, but they only smelled like cardboard box. their moments to cuddle newborn skin and get swaddled up have passed. i pulled out the very first piece of newborn clothing i ever bought. in fact it was a gown i bought and gave to kevin to tell him we were pregnant with lily. i found the white footed pajamas made of the softest cotton i've ever felt that lily wore the day we came home from the hospital (once we changed her out of some ridiculous dress). i found the gown covered in moons and stars that eve, my 'little star', wore home from the hospital.
it really isn't about the clothes and contrary to most men's fears, it really isn't even about wanting another child. it is a realization that i have held my last newborn. when i see a pregnant woman with her big round belly, i'll smile in a memory instead of in hopefulness or anticipation. it is a letting go of a whole phase of life that in a lot of ways we are more than happy to see end- but also brought us some of the happiest days of our life.
before you know it i'm going to be the woman in the checkout line at the grocery store asking how old your baby is and saying 'well my baby graduates from high school this year'. of course you have to take this with a grain of salt knowing it is from the girl who cried her eyes out about school ending every year. i've never handled change or 'endings' well.
someone asked me not too long ago, if money were no object how many children would you want to have? my response- as many as i could fit into my house that wanted to be there! i'm not entirely convinced we're done becoming parents but i am quite sure we are done making babies. so with open arms and a happy heart full of the most wonderful memories i will keep packing up the tiniest clothes that my girls surely never were small enough to wear. and i will wait to see what God has for us next.