3.24.2011

i broke a promise yesterday. when we found out #3 was on the way i swore to kevin that i wouldn't get emotional when she outgrew her newborn clothes and be all swoony about tiny onesies. i lied.

the sad part is, i am just now getting through the boxes of clothes that were returned to us after being on loan to my sister's twins and there is so much stuff and so little time that i finally found the box of my favorite newborn clothes that my girls wore and its too late. they are too small already to fit my growing susanna.

in a futile fashion i scooped them up and breathed in, but they only smelled like cardboard box. their moments to cuddle newborn skin and get swaddled up have passed. i pulled out the very first piece of newborn clothing i ever bought. in fact it was a gown i bought and gave to kevin to tell him we were pregnant with lily. i found the white footed pajamas made of the softest cotton i've ever felt that lily wore the day we came home from the hospital (once we changed her out of some ridiculous dress). i found the gown covered in moons and stars that eve, my 'little star', wore home from the hospital.

it really isn't about the clothes and contrary to most men's fears, it really isn't even about wanting another child. it is a realization that i have held my last newborn. when i see a pregnant woman with her big round belly, i'll smile in a memory instead of in hopefulness or anticipation. it is a letting go of a whole phase of life that in a lot of ways we are more than happy to see end- but also brought us some of the happiest days of our life.

before you know it i'm going to be the woman in the checkout line at the grocery store asking how old your baby is and saying 'well my baby graduates from high school this year'. of course you have to take this with a grain of salt knowing it is from the girl who cried her eyes out about school ending every year. i've never handled change or 'endings' well.

someone asked me not too long ago, if money were no object how many children would you want to have? my response- as many as i could fit into my house that wanted to be there! i'm not entirely convinced we're done becoming parents but i am quite sure we are done making babies. so with open arms and a happy heart full of the most wonderful memories i will keep packing up the tiniest clothes that my girls surely never were small enough to wear. and i will wait to see what God has for us next.

16 comments:

Isabella's Mommy.... said...

I so know how you feel. I too have the hardest time with change. I hate letting go of things & letting things come to an end. I don't like clutter, so I don't have a lot of things per say, but when it's time to pack up the 'baby' things, it feels like you're saying good by to a time of life. I have a very hard time with that. Even though each phase seems to be just as good as the last, it's hard letting go...

Anonymous said...

Awwww. This is so sweet! What a beautiful post. I can relate on so many levels...

amy said...

absolutely beautifully written! i am pregnant with what will be our last and i keep trying to take it all in without wishing it away too quickly. i shed a tear with you, lady!

Laura said...

I'm pregnant and due any day now with our last. It's bittersweet. I'm at the point where I definitely do not want to be pregnant any longer and would love this baby to come, but it does make me sad that this phase of my life is over. It also makes me feel a bit old :)

crazigirl80 said...

This post put tears in my eyes!

deb said...

I have a memory box for each girl for my fave outfits that they wore. Just little sweaters or something that had a strong memory that made me ill to think of passing along.

so sweet!!

klp said...

verrrrry bittersweet. good perspective here, my friend. thank you.

Kim J. said...

Something I have been contemplating doing is making a blanket out of some of my favorite baby clothes of my daughter's. This way I can always remember some of those sweet little outfits that she used to fit into.

Kim said...

I loved this post because it describes so well how I have been feeling lately. So many of my friends are pregnant for the first time or just had their first or second baby and I'm just so jealous that they are at the beginning and I am already done with the "beginning" stuff. I've been following your blog and your family since BOTB-you had Lily a week before I had Max. How are they almost 4!?
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Kessler said...

Wow, it just made my heart ache a little seeing "BOTB" on the above post. Seems like it was just yesterday (and at the same time, it seems like so very long ago) that we were at the beginning, getting ready for our first babies. How did it all come to an end so quickly?

Anonymous said...

I too was a July mommy from BOTB. We now have two little ones and deciding whether or not to go for a third. I just don't feel finished and still want to experience having a newborn just once more...and to put off that "we're done" decision a little longer....

The Bowens said...

oh God Mollie, I think you just convinced me to have a 3rd!

Kimberly said...

I am going through the same thing right now Mollie! Ashton is 6months and I think it is such a turning point! I feel like he is no longer an infant in my arms -but a baby on my hip! Pretty soon he will be running with the older 2 boys. I am honestly contemplating #4.....not any time soon.....but some time....maybe!

nicolle said...

I love, love, love this post and can see me reading it many times over. Thanks for helping me to stop and smell the roses so often.

CLAIRE ELLA said...

Wow. Really loved this post and all its sentiment and mushiness. It seems so silly to think about the clothes but I do the same thing. I was hoping for a 2nd girl partly because I wasn't ready to send away all the newborn clothes Claire wore. And I find myself feeling the same way about having a third. I'm glad I'm not alone...

Jenn said...

I'm pregnant with #2, but your post just made me cry! Thanks for sharing that story :)